Surrealism.

Well, today I saw (metaphorically) off some of my friends for BMT. It kinda sucks. Of course, they're all members of my BMT group on Facebook. I actually got to meet one of them, though! He lives about an hour away from me, and we did a public swear in together a few weeks ago at a baseball game. I was SO excited to get to meet him!

I feel like one of those creepers that you see in the movies. Haha! But these guys have become some of my best friends, even if it's just over Facebook. One day, we'll all meet up. I know it! The Air Force isn't that big. =]

All day long I was just a ball of nerves. I honestly felt like I was going to MEPS, swearing in, waiting around at the airport, riding the bus and everything. They kept me, and our group, updated throughout their whole day. I was even up at 4 this morning!! I'm so happy for them, and excited. I know at this exact moment they're having their "Holy shit, what did I just get myself into?!" moments, but that'll fade within the next few days/weeks. These people, they've got what it takes. I have no doubt about that.

Now, it's a little past midnight, and they're all probably still playing pick 'em ups, or hearing their MTI's running into their dorms screaming at them to wake up and stand at attention. I'm actually hoping to receive a phone call tonight, or whenever they're allowed to make that first phone call, from one of the people in the group! I was more than willing to be their support system. Nobody should have to go through something like BMT and not have anyone to share their experiences with, or their fears. They didn't really want to call their family because they're not all too close by any means. They wanted to act like it was no big deal, which was actually quite believable. However, I can read people quite well! The call could come in 5 seconds from now, or at 2 a.m., or tomorrow morning. Who knows? Hopefully, I'll be awake to answer it, or at least hear my phone ringing in my sleep.

I'm down to 1 person in the September group that is one of my close friends. And she's leaving next week! We actually don't live too awfully far from each other, and were able to meet up this past weekend at an Air Show at our closest AFB! It was awesome! I feel like these next 2 months are just going to drag by so slow. I'm down to 55 days (54 til MEPS!). I'll get to speak with my 4thers for a few days before I leave, but the 11thers will be graduating the week I arrive. =[ It sucks so bad! I won't even get to talk to them before I leave! Of course we still have letter-writing, but still. No more awkward ooVoo sessions, no more random, ADD posts, no more dimple, no more cats, no more Batman. Nothing.

This all seems so weird to me! I had a "Holy Shit!" moment earlier today. I think it was due to the fact that my friends were all experiencing their ship day, after talking about it for months and months. They were actually at MEPS. They actually swore into Active Duty. They actually flew to San Antonio. They actually loaded onto a bus, and drove onto Lackland AFB where they're currently flipping out. This will be me in less than 2 months.

I don't really know how to react to it, honestly. I'm still 100% positive this is what I want to do. I'm meant to do it. No questions there. But, can I do it? Do I actually have what it takes to become an American Airman? I've always known it would be hard. I've always known that I'm going to have so many struggles along the way, but they really got put into perspective for me today. I'm not worried about the PT portion of BMT too much. I can definitely run like no one's business right now, so with another 55 days of prep, I'll be good to go. Push ups...meh. I can do 12 now, though!! Graduating standards are only 18, so if I can't come up with 6 more in 4 months, something's wrong there. I can do 32 sit ups. The only reason they're that low is because the last time I timed myself, I got incredibly tired for some reason around 22ish, and slowed wayyyy down. All of that will be a breeze. But it's the mind games. Not the ones played by the MTI's. I know what they're trying to accomplish with those. They must break you down, to build you back up as an Airman. Someone worthy of defending our great country. Someone that will not falter, and will not fail. Failure has never been an option for me. Now more than ever, I want to succeed. I must succeed.

I have a tendency to over think and over analyze everything. I'm also OCD. Not like, not able to function properly, but things must be a certain way. I must do them a certain way. It's weird. I've always been a very logical person, and I like to think I have more common sense than the average person. So, when I combine those two things, it gets bad. Well, in regards to BMT.

This is how I see it: A 22 year old, 5'2", 135 pound, Southern girl with no college education, got married at 19, has never been independent her whole adult life, is about to embark upon the toughest journey less than 1% of Americans take. Of that 1%, only .01% are Air Force (at least, so I've been told). She has 3 years worth of management experience under her belt, has dealt with enough stupid people to last anyone a lifetime, and has handled the stresses of young marriage, crazy work schedules, stalkers, debt, poverty, growing up without a father, being a full time student and employee at the same time, being the perfect housewife and all. So how does that relate to the Air Force? These things are definitely a symbol of an overcomer, but, can she overcome Basic Military Training? Where MTI's don't care who you are, who your parents are, what your feelings are, if you're tired, scared, have the sniffles, anything. Can she do it?

I guess that's my food for thought. It's probably what every DEPper has felt at some time or another, but it's still tough to deal with. I want this more than anything, and I hope that that kind of determination I have will be my light when it all seems so dark. It will guide me home.

"And the only solution was to stand and fight.
And my body was loose and I was set alight.
But, she came over me like some holy rite.
And although I was burning, you're the only light,
Only if for a night."
-Florence + The Machine "Only If For A Night"